Well guys, we made it past the first of the Armageddi, and now it’s onto the sequel, and it’s a real doozie². That is right people, not long until the Mayan Calendar ends and this time we can’t just get a new one. This time that crappy kiosk in the mall that sells almost exclusively calendars doesn’t have anything for you, unless you need a set of those metal ring puzzle things. Let’s take a look at all the evidence:

The End of Numbers

The Mayan Calendar Ends. This alone should be enough evidence, how could a culture that got trashed by the Spaniards get this wrong. This long count calendar in conjunction with their Calendar Round allowed the Mayans to specify dates for periods longer than 52 years (the length of the calendar round due to their years having 260 days vs. our 365). The whole idea that a calendar coming to an end (which the Mayan Long Count calendar cannot) would signal the end of time is asinine. O, and historians believe that they predicted an age of enlightenment, not the end of the world, at 13.0.0.0.0… an age of enlightened doom.

Well, it's a scary picture

Geomagnetic Reversal.The South Pole will become the North Pole, Dogs will turn into Cats, Boys into Girls, Christians into Atheists… all hell will break loose. But to be clear, they think that a process that has happened many times in the planets history to be something that could cause major extinction, despite our distant ancestors living through the last geomagnetic reversal. But even if it does become an issue, we just need to crack open the earth and pry out all the molten nickel from the core and shoot it into outer space so the magnetic poles won’t have an opportunity to switch on us and that will show them. Or us.

Planet X is going to skullfuck Earth.So what if no one can see this planet and NASA says it doesn’t exist. People have predicted that this will happen because… well just because. It was supposed to be here in 2003, but they recalculated, and will you look at that… 2012. But, if this happens we will just send up a team of sexy astronauts and a British nanny with a nuclear bomb to blow the whole thing up. Which is the exact plot of Armageddon… There was also a bit of Mary Poppins in there.

Green Lantern's Light

Sun’s Solar Flares are going to heat up. It’s going to be near the peak time of the eleven year cycle. The same cycle that peaked in 2002-2003. They are playing pretty fast and loose with their science, but they are playing with science nonetheless. This one actually works in conjunction with the magnetic reversal theory, they think that the loss of our protective magnetic shield will allow solar winds to kill us all. This perfect storm of conditions could cause a few satellites to malfunction.

Nostradamus… FTW! A guy who maybe predicted something about some other random things and got them right might have predicted 2012 as the end of the world. It is a solid argument with some real science behind it.

You're going nowhere

The Rapture. I’m more worried about the Four Horsemeals of the Egg-Porkalypse.

Robot Overlords are going to take over. We have angered them by turning their leader into a disgraced politician and they won’t rest until their circuitry is bathed in the blood of the innocent… This is a theory I can get behind.

I think it’s pretty clear that I think that this is total crap, and hopefully you agree. Somehow things like this get media attention, and I am sure that there are much more important matters³. History is full of people predicting the end, and yet the world goes on. But then again… the world is for sure going to end, for sure. So everyone be sure to live constantly in fear, and invest heavily in gold.

[1] Bad title.
[2] Doesn’t hold a candle to Titanic II (Van Dyke, 2010) ⁴
[3] I understand the hypocrisy.
[4] Review by DonnyBagg to come!