I don’t want to write a whole review about this “film” I have other things to not be doing. Devotees will recall I assumed Unstoppable was a bad movie and against my better judgment I decided to watch it this week, I just had to find out why it had an 87% on RT (I have reviewed three movies; I think I have earned the right to address Rotten Tomatoes as RT). The previews made me think it was some kind of terrorist attack on a train but it is honestly just a train with no conductor. I am currently at a loss for words. I enjoy a mindless action movie as much as the next guy but that doesn’t mean I will give it a glowing review. I am sure the movie isn’t as bad as I am about to make it out as but it is one of those things where I didn’t like it and other people loved it so that makes me not like it even more, not sure if there is a word for that. It is like Christianity, I just don’t understand why people love it so much and that infuriates me (Yes, I am provocative).

I am going to have to rack my brain for a second to come up with something good about this movie. It has Rosario Dawson, who has the ability to look smoking hot but unfortunately not in this film. It has Denzel Washington, who has the ability to make a great movie but unfortunately also not the case. I enjoyed Chris Pine in Star Trek (Abrams, 2009) and he is capable of taking down leading man parts but comes off completely unexceptional throughout. I will reserve judgment on Pine and chalk this one up to poor decision making. Did any of those sound like pros? No, alright I will continue to think. The writer, Mark Bomback, also wrote Live Free or Die Hard (Wiseman, 2007), Race to Witch Mountain (Fickman, 2009), and an upcoming Total Recall (Wiseman, 2012) remake. What’s that? We are still in the pros section? Damnit, move that statement to the next paragraph and follow it up with a sentence berating Bomback for doing shitty work. The movie is simple. If you don’t think about it much, I am talking about completely turning your brain off and strictly watching with your eyes, it can be a rather enjoyable experience. You will see some good looking actors dart across the screen, some action, a little suspense, people overcoming adversity and diversity to work towards solving a crisis, and if I go any further a spoiler alert. The movie is simple. That is as pro as it is going to get.

Ok, if I focus I can knock this part out in five minutes. Tony Scott, I have tried and tried to like you. Enemy of the State (T. Scott, 1998) was like one of my favorite VHS’s growing up. I have watched six of your movies in the past 15 months, not including mostly re-watching Enemy of the State on television over Christmas break. They range from average to awful. Spy Games (T. Scott, 2001) and True Romance (T. Scott, 1993) were adequate, but let’s be honest you had Quintin Tarentino writing the latter so you didn’t have to do much work. Your remake of Taking of Pelham 123 (T. Scott, 2009) was garbage, as were Days of Thunder (T. Scott, 1990) and Top Gun (T. Scott, 1986). I find it hard to believe that you and Ridley come from the same family. I hate hating people for doing poorly a job I couldn’t do at all, but this is a lifetime of refuse. As I look over your directorial credits I see a laundry list of movies that I will never watch again (yet somehow you snuck Man of Fire (T. Scott, 2004) in there, touché) and if I didn’t hate Friedberg and Seltzer so much I would make a comparison. I honestly don’t know which is worse right now, your work lingers in the realm of sub-par and mediocre whereas they top the charts of bad and anger me to the point where I am currently considering tossing this laptop across the room. Their work makes me physically ill (not a joke) to even think about and will probably ruin the rest of my day, while you simply bore and embarrass me with your poor performance. I think it would almost be better if you were on Friedberg and Seltzers level because although I hate to admit it, I am almost certain there is a place buried deep in my mind where I garnish some level of respect for them for being able to make so much money off of such complete and utter mind-numbing horseshit. 15 minutes, not bad. I am not completely sure what I wrote there I was temporarily blinded by rage I apologize if any of that was incoherent. None of that had to do with Unstoppable. Unstoppable had a negligible amount of action for an action-thriller movie. The choppy camera work tricks the brain into thinking there are things happening when in reality it is just a train going down the track. The plot is preposterous even if it is based on true events (I refuse to do enough research to find out). It is incredibly repetitive. There is a problem up ahead, they argue about the best course of action to take, Denzels idea get shot down, the quasi-villainous corporate guys idea fails, news report, repeat. There is more train related suspense in an episode of Thomas the Train Engine. The Denzel/Pine banter is sickening, each exchange made me want to shut the movie off. It is one sappy cliché after another. To all those RT reviewers who said this movie was “awesome” “a rollercoaster” or “the most fun I have had at the movies all year,” I say fuck you; this is a steamy boring pile of trash and a blemish on the careers of everyone involved. If you enjoyed this film, then let’s agree to never be friends because the people who eat this stuff up disgust me. Overall and in complete honesty the movie wasn’t all that bad, the reviews were bad for being so good, which in turn makes the movie bad in my mind, and if that is the case then perhaps reading this scathing review will make you enjoy the movie all the more. So I give it:

1 out of 5 Oscar nominations for Denzel Washington

I said I didn’t want to write a whole review. I usually don’t like to criticize movies that harshly but I couldn’t help myself. It was just too many bad things piled on top of each other, all set off by “critics” giving this an 87% on RT…and now I just clicked on the Top Critics tab and they gave it a fucking 91%, is this a fucking joke?!? Perhaps I should write an article on how the ratings on RT are unreliable, that would teach them a lesson.