Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor

About two weeks ago I was walking to a local grocery store and mistook some random lady for a friend of mine. I waved to her, vigorously, and when she saw me waving she looked down and started walking faster … away from me. At first I was overcome with embarrassment, but soon that subsided and gave way to curiosity. Why was her initial reaction to run away? Yes, obviously because she didn’t know me, but what’s the deeper reason? I don’t resemble a serial killer, and if I were a serial killer, I certainly wouldn’t be waving; drawing attention to myself.

Another embarrassing situation happened a mere two days ago. It was snowing (yes in late April) and I was walking when a car pulled up right beside me, I thought it was a friend of mine going to give me a ride, but no, it was just a person parking their car on the side of the street. Upon entering the car the driver shot me a look of extreme uncomfortable-ness (weirded out). As I exited I apologized profusely, but the same thought came back to me.  Was what I did really so wrong?

The answer is unequivocally YES. In both cases I would have reacted similarly (unless the social norm violators were attractive females, but that has more to do with reproduction, which as you will see is the exact opposite of my point.) So what’s the reoccurring theme in both stories? People don’t like strangers. From a very young age one is warned about stranger, as they should be, because strangers are f*cked-up. What I got from the stranger stories of my youth, is that most strangers, apparently, would like to molest and/or kill you. At minimum they wish you harm. This may apply to children more than adults, and in the case of a grown man being overtly friendly to kids he doesn’t know, yeah, he probably wants to do some messed-up stuff.

But here is the thing; everyone you don’t know is a stranger. We all fall into that category: you, me, the dude living down the street from you, even the hot sales clerk working at Kohl’s. So my point is: people don’t like strangers, strangers are just people = people don’t like other people.

And why should they? People suck. Seriously. People smell after a couple of days, people fart, and poop, and do all sorts of unseemly stuff. People can be ignorant, curl, annoying, just all-around assholes. I am writing this from a university computer lab, and in the time it has taken me to get this far I have already isolated three people who “suck.”


(a) dude across from me is reading something and intermittently laughing, obnoxiously loud (annoying).

(b) Man sitting to my right is spitting chew into a can (stupid).

(c) Woman who took spittoon mans place is relentlessly sipping from straw, when container is empty. Making that, that noise (stupid + annoying)

This may seem like I’m going in a strange direction, but stay with me. I first learned about viruses in seventh grade science class. That a virus is a small infectious agent that can replicate only on the living cells of organisms. They replicate until they have used up all the cell has to offer, extensively killing the cell. In many cases the viruses that didn’t manage to spread, die with the cell. Sometime later I learned about Earth’s carrying capacity and how we humans have exceeded it.

I know it’s in our nature to assume that humans are super important, and that is backed up by many religions. But take a moment to look at the big picture, when I say that I mean literally pretend that you are very very big and the Earth is very very small; the size of a cell. Are we really that different from viruses?

I mean, if people hate other people, why do we allow so many of them the exist? Sure we do our fair share of killing each other, more than most species, but is it enough? I mean what is the point of this:

The great philosopher Bill Burr offers a solution to our planets population problem in the first six minutes of this video:

I am going to take his idea a step further, and here I must distinguish myself from the other contributors to this blog. The opinions about to be expressed are strictly those of Michael Keaton, and do not reflect the views of my counterparts, nor this blog.

We should start proactively killing people. It has worked in the past. Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia (1431–1476) was dealing with a declining economy due to a sickness spreading though towns. So he took all of the poor, and the sick from a town, locked them in a building and burned it down. Voilà immediate economic upturn, and drastic reduction in overall spread of sickness.

I’m certainly not suggesting anything that harsh. I am simply suggesting we impose a standardized test, testing a modicum of basic intelligence. Done when an individual reaches 25 (I’m not dead-set on the age (no pun intended (but pun intended))), to decimate the idiot population.
Now I know when required test taking comes up, it hearkens back to Jim Crow days, and I want to make it perfectly clear I’m not talking about any unfair tests to weed out people that upset me, namely:

People who say chillax without intending it to be said ironically

Those who wear pajama pant all day, for multiple days in a row (excluding the unemployed)

Adult men who, of their own volition, watch the TV series GLEE

The test would be truly simple, more a measure of one’s social idiosyncrasies than anything else. I, of course, would also be subjected to it. I could even see giving the mentally disabled a pass, seeing that they can perform menial tasks.

Also there would need to be some sort of reporting center, where one could call in idiots they know. A team of “Stupid Seekers” would then evaluate them to see if they are, in fact, worth cancelling (euphemism for killing). Because the standardized tests are not fool-proof (pun). As you may know: some idiot’s are actually quite smart. I mean that one guy with the chew can made it into college, along with hundreds of country music fans.

I know people will draw comparisons between my Stupid Seekers, and Nazi S.S. and Gestapo. However, I’d like to point out that they are not similar, and in the words of the Forrest Gump (who would defiantly not be killed) “that’s all I have to say about that.” Everyone knows that Hitler was a horrible monster of a man, but I am nothing like him. I’m not proposing the singling out a certain race or religion. Look, I’m not some megalomaniac hell bent on blaming others for all the wrongs in the world, unlike Hitler; I’m just trying to make a perfect world.

Sure, you might say I’m a fascist, because my policy seems in step with those of fascists. But am I a fascist? No, I’m a dreamer; that has superior connotations.

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